This month has been something, it has opened my eyes to many things and people. There have been ups and downs, ins and outs.
From talking about future at the beginning of the month to being dumped on the 8th and leaving to Genting alone with 2 kids on the 10th. In the month of September, I also started a new job, celebrated Javen’s birthday in advance and attended Krayon’s wedding. Daddy left us last night and my sister who is supposed to give birth on Thursday but has to reschedule to another day.
I learned that no one can be really prepared to lose the ones you love. Even though he was diagnosed more than 10 years ago and doctors have been informing us to be mentally prepared these 2 years, we were still very affected by the loss. Realizing how dear our family members are, I hugged Sapphlyn tightly. I sent her back and returned to hospital on my own, sent mom, sister and sis in law back and returned to hospital again.
Throughout the whole process of moving the body from the ward to the morgue then to the vehicle to the mortuary, I felt extremely alone. Part of me wanted to tell people, to be consoled but I realized that there is no one I could tell. I am exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically. I am tired of losing the ones I love.
Life revolves around the 3 Cs – Choices, chances and changes. I have made mistakes in my life, I have let people take advantage of me and I accepted way less than I deserve. I hope after this I shall finally learn from my bad choices and next time I won’t settle for anything less than what I deserve.
Relationship is not about how much love you have in the beginning but how much love you build till the end. Love is more than finding the right person, it is also being the right person, creating a right relationship and learning to love the person you have found.
Most often we fall in love with the person we think we love only to discover that for them, we are just for past times. Sometimes you meet the right person at the wrong time and sometimes you meet the wrong person at a right time. But when you find the right person at the right time in the right situation, it is because you’re meant to be together.
Life is like a camera. Just focus on what’s important and capture the good times, develop from the negatives and if things don’t turn out, just take another shot!
You doted on me the most as I am the baby girl in the family. You always tried to give me whatever I want and protect me from any harm.
I used to borrow lots of story book from the library and you would read them to me. You gave me the nickname QiQi because that’s the name of the main character in my favourite book.
I was very mischievous but there was never once you got angry at me for the pranks I played on you. You woke up and laughed when you saw that I had put Mommy’s makeup on your face. You tried not to laugh and pretended to be mad when I played with Mommy’s nail polish and put them on your toe nails while you were sleeping, you even went out in those unknowingly.
You brought me on a double deck bus ride around Orchard during Christmas knowing that I am amused by lights. You bought me whatever I was craving for when I was staying in the hospital for my surgery. You rushed and brought me to the hospital when I got injured while playing soccer with the boys. You were always there for me.
You adored my kids and you always tried to hand them candies discreetly. When you watched the little ones while they were playing, your face lit with joy despite the pain and discomfort you were experiencing at the same time.
I saw the pain and helplessness in your face when you learned about Jason’s adultery, you would have bashed him up if not for your deteriorated health.
I am sorry for dwelling on my problems so much that I overlooked your loneliness, I overlooked that you needed your daughter. I regret not staying back at the hospital earlier just now. If only I had stayed for a couple more hours, you wouldn’t have passed away alone without anyone by your side.
I rushed and I ran…. I ran to your ward, to your bed. You were motionless, I placed my palm on your chest and tried to feel your heartbeat but my own was too fast and audible to myself that I couldn’t differentiate. I told myself that maybe you were sleeping but I looked at you again and my heart sank.
You no longer look like you were in pain even though your eyes were not entirely closed. You no longer grimace like you would before when you breathe. I couldn’t understand the medical equipment, I called the nurse and she confirmed my fear.
I shaved your face like I normally would during visit, the person from the casket service told me that it will be done by them but I continued. That was the last thing I am able to do for you….
You were an amazing and loving father, and you will always be in my heart. I consoled myself that at least you are at a better place and at least you no longer need to go through the pain.
I love you, Daddy. Thank you so much for giving me this wonderful chance to be your daughter.
I wish I could go back to being that little girl and snuggle in your arms again while you read me my favourite story book…
Finding someone you love and want to spend your life with to me, is the greatest accomplishment one can achieve. Yet, the unfortunate truth is that the person you love isn’t always the right person for you. And that makes all the difference.
When we fall in love, we don’t see our partner’s flaws. We let ourselves lapse into a fantasy of being in and feeling unconditional and perfect love, and also idealize and create a positive distortion of our new partner. Eventually the euphoria wears off and the relationship is littered with “flashbacks,” where we act out the unhealed trauma of our younger years. Our brains stop producing chemicals of love and we wake up one morning with a “Love Hangover”, laying next to the most incompatible person in the world.
This is a painful time for most couples as the illusion that ‘romantic love will last forever’ falls away and is replaced with feelings of disappointment and frustration. Instead of seeing our similarities like we did before, we begin focusing on our differences and our partner’s flaws. Consciously or sub-consciously, we try to “change” your partner back into the person we thought they were. However, one partner often pulls away and withdraws, needing space while the other partner desperately chases them feeling emotionally deserted.
This is when a couple need to establish their autonomy inside their relationship, without destroying the love connection between them. This is an opportunity to learn relationship skills that support our highest selves and to understand both ourselves and our partners. Without the skills to navigate through this struggling stage and resolve their differences, they will keep returning to this painful stage over and over again throughout the relationship. After a period of time, the couple either break up or survive.
Break Up: They take the nearest exit and break up. Very often these people are serial daters, never fully committing, always looking for love, but finding disappointment instead.
Survive: They continue along their journey together, surviving through the pain and frustration of a relationship that is stuck in the past and no longer growing.
In order to overcome, a couple need to:
The downhill stage is never an easy ride for most couples. It’s all too easy for one person to quit half way along the journey and end the relationship because it just too much hard work. In reality, when one partner quits the relationship midway, it is usually due to unwillingness to face aspects of themselves that feel too scary to face confront. The work of a lasting relationship is never entirely over, all couples are works in progress and this is not about perfection but genuine commitment to growth.
Only if we let go of this relationship, one day maybe we will then finally realize our lesson and what we had. Both of us have lost since a long time ago. Some things just can’t be changed or brought back and even if we try, it will never be anything like how things once were. It would be selfish of us to not accept each other for who we are and it would be unfair to have to endure a relationship that isn’t cultivating a better us. So, let us be compassionate and stop rubbing salt into each other’s wound.
Advance celebration for the baby boy with family as we shall be out of town next weekend.
Happy birthday my sweetheart. Mummy loves you lots ♡
Life can be a persistent teacher. It continues to throw us the same lessons until we learn from them. When we fail to learn its lessons the first time around, we keep finding opportunities to learn it again and again.
Sometimes if we are lucky, we get another chance with the same person. However chance also determines worth, in the end we may or may not learn that lesson even after losing that person.
What makes us happy may not always bring more meaning, and vice versa. Although feeling good most of the time might help us feel happier, but it doesn’t necessarily bring a sense of purpose to our lives.
Researchers have found out that spending time with friends is related to greater happiness but not more meaning. In contrast, spending more time with people you love is correlated with greater meaning but not with more happiness. It is also conjectured that spending time with loved ones is often more difficult, but ultimately more satisfying, than spending time with friends.
When it comes to thinking about how to be happier, many people fantasize about taking more vacations. We may dream about skipping work and instead doing something fun and pleasurable. However, tasks which don’t make us happy can, over time, add up to a meaningful life. Even routine activities — talking on the phone, cooking, cleaning, housework, meditating, emailing, praying, waiting on others, and balancing finances — appeared to bring more meaning to people’s lives, but not happiness in the moment.
Pure happiness is about getting what we want in life—whether through people, money, or life circumstances. Meaningfulness, in contrast, seems to have more to do with giving, effort, and sacrifice. It is clear that a highly meaningful life may not always include a great deal of day-to-day happiness.
I do agree that it is important to be happy, to experience joy of being alive and joy of the moment, but notice that happiness is merely an emotional state – temporary, fleeting and elusive. Fulfillment, on the other hand, is consistent and has room for the full range of emotional experiences. Seeking happiness isn’t wrong, it’s just limiting in my opinion. When we try to hold to that one thing, we miss the rich experience of being alive with all if its joy, disappointment, passion, grieves and loves.
Even though it is optimal to have a good mix of both in life but after going through so much life changes and emotional wringer, what I hope to pursuit right now is fulfillment. Our obsession with happiness may be intimately related to a feeling of emptiness, or a life that lacks meaning. On our deathbed, we are not going to remember any fleeting moments of happiness. You’re only going to recall what left you feeling fulfilled… or not.
Despite the drastic change, I decided to go ahead with the 2D1N Genting trip with the kiddos on my own.
On Tuesday, 9th September, I barely slept due to jet lag and I used the time to pack for the 3 of us. Sapphlyn and Javen slept late as they were excited and busy playing. Our flight was at 9.45am and I wanted to reach the airport earlier so that I could bring them to the playground at the transit.
The kids woke up late and I rushed to help them shower, change, make milk, wear socks/shoes, bring 2 kids and everything down etc. It was already 8.15am or so by the time we got into the cab, the kids were still tired and so they fell asleep on our way to the airport.
It was getting late and I had to hurry Sapphlyn and Javen to walk faster to the check-in counter. While at the custom, the officer asked where are the kids’ father. Told her that he’s not here. She scrutinized me for a bit before allowing us to pass, maybe she suspected that I was human trafficking the kids to Malaysia. We walked around at the transit for a bit and brought the kids to the washroom before boarding our flight. The kids were excited when they saw the plane from a close distance.
After sitting them down, I moved all the stuffs into the cabinet and stood in front of the isle seat to wait for the rightful occupier. It happened to be a guy in his 40s, I explained my situation and asked if he could exchange seat with me. He gave me a troubled look and agreed with a forceful smile.
Initially Javen and Sapphlyn were fighting for the window seat as they want to see the plane takes off but as the plane was delayed take off at the runway, the kids fell asleep. I had to stretch my arm over to support Javen’s sleeping face with my hand while letting Sapphlyn rest on my arm. Wrist and back felt uncomfortable but I had to bear with it.
We stayed at KILA for a couple of hours after touching down. Brought the kids to the washroom, and each time we had to go together along with our luggages. We walked around trying to look for food but the kids were tired, I let them sit down and the biscuits I packed for them. Brought them to the washroom again after snacking to wash their hands. Walked around and finally decided to eat at Starbucks.
Throughout the trip I think I nagged more than a hundred times asking the kids to stay near me. I had to keep turning my head to watch them while trying to order food. After eating we went to the restroom again to wash hands. I tried to entertain the kids with silly game like walking within the grid and they had fun.
While walking to take the train to the Arrival, Sapphlyn complained about stomach pain and wanted to put oil. I couldn’t leave them alone so I had to bring them together to the Guardian to get the ointment. Spent some time going to and waiting at the custom, I was thankful that the kids queued patiently with me.
As the drive to Genting is about 1 plus to 2 hours, I took them to the restroom again before taking the taxi. The kids were really tired and dozed shortly after we got into the vehicle. I was quite nervous taking the taxi alone with 2 kids in Malaysia, the driver made me panic even more when he suddenly asked if he could go to the petrol station. Thankfully nothing happened.
We reached but had trouble checking into the room because I used my ID number instead of passport number. I was worried at first that we might not be able to stay since I do not have the credit card with me and it stated that it is required at the confirmation. Thankfully they changed my ID details and it was okay, I nearly had plenty of heart attacks when I turned around and couldn’t find the kids as they were randomly hiding somewhere.
While walking to our hotel room lift lobby, Sapphlyn and Javen saw candyfloss and each requested to get one. I agreed. I was really exhausted so I told the kids to rest first before heading out again. They entertained themselves for a while but soon got hungry. We ate at a cafeteria near the lift lobby then made our way to the plaza. There were a lot of retail shops at the first two levels, the kids’ entertainment is located at the upper levels.
One of the first rides we saw was the reindeer which looked quite scary as it was mid air around the plaza but the kids wanted to play. Brought them to get the unlimited ride tickets and individual ticket for myself. After the first ride, we went on to try other rides.
At one of the rides, a pair of parents were trying to convince a little boy not to be afraid and try the ride but the little one refused. Due to height restriction, parents are not allowed to accompany their kids for that ride. In the end Sapphlyn sat beside him and tried to assure him not to be afraid while Javen obediently sat behind by himself. They really warm my heart and I feel so proud of them.
Brought them to the indoor playground where they stayed and played for a while. After playground, we went for cup corns and more rides. I lost count of how many times we had to go to the restroom while at the plaza lol. We walked past the Snow World and Sapphlyn wanted to go. However the last session was quite some time away and told her that we shall visit tomorrow.
On our way back, we saw someone performing at the stage. The kids went and sat on the stairs to watch the performance and I sat behind them. I had packed swim wears and hooded towels for Sapphlyn and Javen as they wanted to swim. While walking to the lobby, Sapphlyn said “I want uncle C to come” but I told her he won’t be. Went to check with the receptionist only to realize that there is no indoor pool at First World Hotel.
We went back to the hotel where Javen fell asleep almost immediately and Sapphlyn entertained herself with the Samsung tab. Javen woke up later and started fussing, he was afraid to go into the bathtub while Sapphlyn enjoyed herself. After showering, they stayed up and watched video for some time before sleeping. Once again I didn’t get to sleep until 6 plus. Woke up at 8 plus and started preparing while the kids were still asleep.
They woke up at 9 plus and I rushed to prepare them as the breakfast ends at 10.30am. After eating, Sapphlyn and Javen stood near the window to look at the misty sky. A little girl saw and called Javen a baby which made him slightly grumpy and complained to me saying “why she call me baby? I taller than her!. I LOL-ed.
We went back to our room to rest and finish packing before checking out and leaving our luggages at the storage. We had a lot of fun at the snow world, though it wasn’t much but Sapphlyn enjoyed herself tremendously pretending to be Elsa while Javen and I were creating snow by dusting the ice off surfaces.
The kids were hungry and I brought them to a restaurant downstairs for lunch. While waiting for the food, Javen fell asleep on his arms at the table and I carried him into my arms. Sapphlyn too fell asleep the same way but I couldn’t carry both kids. The aunties from the table beside us saw and started questioning me. They were shocked that I brought them by myself and kept telling me what I should do instead.
I woke the kids up when the food arrived and after eating we proceeded to Ice Age exhibition. Sapphlyn and Javen had fun watching a short movie clip, playing games, seeing the mascot and colouring some pictures. It was getting late and we had to pick up our stuffs and take the taxi back to KILA.
The journey back to the aiport was another freaky one. I was sleepy but had to stay awake and alert. Sapphlyn and Javen fell asleep and half way this time, the driver asked if he could use the washroom. He went to use the washroom and had a smoking break but everything went well after. This time we had to rush again as the journey took longer than expected due to jam.
Managed to exchange seat again but the guy is more cranky than the previous. He initially said that he paid extra to sit at the isle but he looked at the kids and with the surrounding people looking at him, he asked me “So you wanna sit with your kids?”. I said yes, apologized and thanked him. This time the kids managed to still awake and feel the plane take off but it was dark at night.
Reached Singapore safely, took a cab and went back to Mom’s place – Mission completed. The babygirl had separation anxiety and asked to go back with me so I brought her back to stay since she didn’t have school the next day.
It was truly tedious, physically and mentally but I am glad that everything went well. It wasn’t exactly the kind of fun for an adult but it was definitely meaningful and absolutely memorable for me. Once again, people are not what they say but what they do. This time it isn’t just me but little people whom he used when asking for another chance. I have come to realize that it’s not me he needs but anyone or anything to distract himself from his loneliness – games, people, trips etc.
I am done 🙂